Dogs Versus Kids

June 26, 2019

Willie Nelson, most perfect canine ever.

My dog has never once taken the last $20 bill out of my wallet.  He has never wrecked my car, trashed my house while I was out of town having SURGERY, and he has never replaced the rum in my liquor cabinet with water.  I'm not sure that he would know how to wire a bumper back on with a coat hanger, and I don't think he would pour Bombay Sapphire on my counters and set them on fire?

Not one night since September 2007, has Willie ever called me in the middle of the night and said "Hey Mom, it's me...Willie...umm...I know you're going to be mad, but there's a boot on my car and I need some money."

I've never had to pay $3000 to send him to summer camp to hike the Appalachian trail to force him to get off of his ass and learn to make friends.  Willie Nelson has never been sent to a third world country packed with a suitcase full of macaroni and cheese and protein bars to work at an orphanage to learn to appreciate what he has- no sir, not him.

In twelve years, the dog has never left his legos on the floor where I would step on them and create new curse words.  He's just not crafty with legos or puzzles, Willie isn't.

He's never thrown a fire poker at anyone in the family or chased one of us with a pipe wrench wrapped in an oven mitt.  I hear that an oven mitt will cushion the blow, but he's never done those things.

Willie doesn't even know how to use the oven and would never hide someone's year book in there, causing it to catch fire.

I don't know his Mom, so I've never had to co-parent him with another woman who might not see eye to eye with me and my peculiar ways of doing things, and I'm glad I never had to negotiate with that bitch.

I had Willie neutered shortly after we adopted him, so I've never had to buy condoms for him or teach him how to use them "just in case" something ever happened and he got the urge.  We never had the banana lesson.   Instead,  he just humps teddy bears and our elbows when he catches us sleeping or sees a window of opportunity (he weighs 5 pounds).

Willie is always glad to see me and has never rolled his eyes at me and said "Oh my God, Mom!  You are embarrassing me.  Don't kiss me.  Stop acting like a geek.  You are geeking out!  Are you going to wear that?  In PUBLIC?"

But you know what else Willie hasn't done?  He hasn't brought these two sweeties home.  Parents raising teenagers, remember this:  One day, that demon spawn that you want to send to Mars on one of Elon Musk's rockets will think you are smart again.  They will become educated and gainfully employed, get married, buy a house, and bring you grandchildren.  And those grandchildren will be perfect, SO PERFECT!

Hang in there.
Love y'all,
The sweetest babies I know!

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