Don't Let Them Get You Down!

Ever have one of those days when you feel like nothing? You wake up questioning every life decision you've ever made and feel like you took a wrong turn somewhere?  That's pretty much every day for me lately,  and it has been a struggle.

I have tape recordings in my head of a former boyfriend who broke up with me because he thought if we married, we would have fat children because his parents were overweight and my mother is overweight.  I was a size 6 when I was dating him, and after he said that to me, I broke it off and gained a ton of weight immediately.

At that point in my life (eighteen years ago), I felt like no matter how hard I tried, no one really saw me, so I stopped trying. Today, I am at my all-time highest weight.

(For the record, aside from the fact that his eyebrows were out of control and he wasn't very good looking then, now he IS fat and I heard he is diabetic and lost part of his foot.  I'm not celebrating his demise, but I will say that he had it coming for being a pretentious ass. And, his kid is fat, so...) That was twenty years ago and I wasn't in love with him, we just dated for a little while.  So why did I let that loser get into my head like that?

This morning...

I woke up today on day 6 of Jenny Craig and all I want to do is eat a pizza and drink a Coca-Cola.  I will refuse, because this is the first step to reclaiming my life. There are so many life events that overweight people skip because of fear.  I am tired of feeling afraid and not good enough and missing out on my life.  

I am down five pounds, but the "fat girl" part of me is so tempted to curl up in the corner with my drug of choice, Coca-Cola, and drown my sorrows with a pizza.   Fat girl needs to go- get thee behind me, fat girl!

The things that people said to me in the past are just that- past.  I know that none of those things are true. I know that my self-worth doesn't have to be rolled up into an image of perfection that I have never achieved- even at my best.   I know that when I was a size six I was hot, smoking hot.  I didn't realize it then, but when I get there this time, I will know it and I will feel good in my own skin.

Why do we let losers get into our heads?  I am married to the cutest boy in the world!  He loved me when I was a size 10/ 12 and thought I was smoking hot then.  He thinks I am beautiful now (at least he says he does), and regardless of the size of my ass, he picked me and I picked him, and we have ridden out the storms of life together- from a size 10 to a size 18.  He has never even met skinny Holly; she really might be too much for him.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Because I know that I am not alone.  As women, there is an expectation that we look a certain way, behave a certain way, and maintain standards that make us "acceptable" in the eyes of the world.  Okay, so it isn't like this in New York City, but it is in Birmingham, Alabama.  It may not be this way in Big Sur, but it is in Huntsville, Texas.  As a society, we treat fat people differently, it's true. I do it.  I have reverse of anorexia- I look in the mirror and see a thin person- so it snuck up on me, it really did. 

Even though I am in the same boat as thousands of other Americans who are victims of working too many hours and eating too much fast and pre-packaged food, I still look at overweight people and assume that they are lazy or too weak to get their crap together.  Since I have the same struggles, I can say that, can't I?  But doesn't that make me weak and lazy?  Truth is, I have been.  I have allowed other people into my head (weak) and just given up on the downstairs sofa and skipped the gym and opted instead for a Crown binge on Netflix (lazy).

Accomplishments mean nothing when you feel like a cow.

I have a list of accomplishments as long as my arm, certificates and letters after my name, but none of that stuff matters to me.  I am not easily impressed by those accomplishments in my life as much as I would be wearing  a size 6, having perfect hair, and feeling good in my skin. Why?  Because even though I fought to achieve all of those other things in my life, they weren't as difficult for me as maintaining a healthy weight.  Weight is my one major struggle and it is rooted in so many emotional hang-ups. 

Many people who are overweight/ morbidly obese and "happy in their own skin" (aka liars), will say that I have my priorities out of order, but being healthy and feeling beautiful makes you feel better in your own skin.  What is inside of my soul  matters, but overweight people often don't get the opportunity to speak their truth because a better looking person is allowed the opportunity to speak up first.  It sucks, but it is human nature.  And before you get started, Millennials, just slow your roll with your kumbaya  and let's just be real, okay?

So, if you are in the same boat that I am, don't give up!

When I imagine the people in my life who have told me for whatever reason that I wouldn't make it- whether it was lose the weight, get my builder's license,  or whatever else it is that I want to do, I imagine them blowing up like a gigantic hot air balloon and just floating away so far that once they hit the atmosphere, and I will never have to hear their whiney, nagging voices again. And so, as I struggle through Day 6 and try not to break every dish in my house, I think about John Wayne. He was an ardent supporter of women in Hollywood and beyond.  

On several occasions, it was recorded that John Wayne sent this message to female friends:

"Don't let the bastards get you down."

Good luck to everyone as you start your week tomorrow.

Love,

Holly

Holley House Dressing

This is a re-post from years past.  Many of my friends have made this, and just like I call my Grandmother every year for the recipe, they call me to get the recipe.  Here it is.    Enjoy and have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Holley House Cornbread Dressing

November 17, 2011 at 9:56pm

Every year, we have a few glasses of wine the night before Thanksgiving and call my Grandmother to ask for the dressing recipe.  At my house, we call her the Kitchen Chemist.  She has no recipes written down-all are in her head and every year the recipe is different, but somehow her dressing ALWAYS tastes the same.  Go figure!  After all of the years and the bottles of wine, this is the recipe that I use.  I call it Holley House Dressing.  There are some steps that are very important to follow according to the Kitchen Chemist, so pay close attention and do just what she says.  And no kidding, my Grandmother is quite possibly (other that Paula Deen) the best cook in the WORLD.  So here goes. Shopping list is at the end.

You are gonna need about twelve pieces of chicken- can be breasts for salad later (which is what I do..) or a whole chicken.  It doesn't matter if you use chicken toes, just make sure that however you can come up with 12 pieces of chicken..that is the magic number.  EVERY YEAR, THAT NUMBER IS CONSISTENT.  In a huge stock pot, boil the 12 pieces of chicken and 12 WYLERS chicken bullion cubes.  Once the chicken is all done, set aside...and do whatever you are gonna do with it later.

Now then, you're gonna need 3 cups of onion- finely chopped

                                                 3 cups of celery- finely chopped

                                                 2 boxes of Stovetop Stuffing mix- MUST BE THE CHICKEN-the regular kind is not the same.

You need to start with good cornbread or else it doesn't matter.  Get Martha White Buttermilk Cornbread Mix.  Follow the recipe for their cornbread EXCEPT...USE 3 EGGS INSTEAD OF ONE.  BROWN EGGS ARE BETTER.

When you are preparing your cornbread, to get good crust...put a little cooking oil (I use Olive Oil) in the bottom of the pan..and I use cake pans and so does Grand.  You're gonna make two pans of cornbread, so that's two recipes according to the Martha White package.  Do the math and know that's gonna be 6 EGGS for your cornbread.  Put some oil in the bottom of the pan...enough to cover the bottom and have enough room to sprinkle corn meal and some salt in the bottom.  Let the grease get good and hot, but not burn.  Take out the pans and pour the corn bread batter into them. It will sizzle!  That is how you know it is gonna be AWESOME.

While the cornbread is cooking get the following things together:  Here is what you are going to need:

In a skillet, saute'e your finely chopped onions and celery in butter (until the onions are clear).

Get two 9 x 13 pyrex pans together and spray them with Pam.  After looking at my pictures, it makes more than that.  So have some gallon ziplocks  handy, because you can freeze it and thaw it out and cook it on another day with just a rotisserie chicken from Publix.  ;-)

Once your cornbread is done, get a HUGE mixing bowl and crumble your cornbread finely.  Add in your boxes of Stovetop- always mix dry with dry- then add your celery and onions.  Now, you're going to pour in your chicken broth.  You want it to be easy to mix- almost soupy, but not soupy if that makes sense.  This should be the perfect amount of liquid if you don't overcook your chicken and let your broth evaporate, which is why it is important to watch the chicken.  Once all of that is done, in a mixing bowl, beat 5 EGGS.  Here is the trick to GOOD DRESSING.

DO NOT JUST POUR THE BEATEN EGGS INTO THIS WARM OR HOT BATTER.  You want to put about a teaspoon of the dressing into the beaten eggs and then add a little bit more to warm up the eggs.  You want to make sure that they don't cook immediately when they hit the dressing.  Then, mix the EGG/ DRESSING MIXTURE back into the dressing.  Pour into the pans.  You can put into the refrigerator overnight or even freeze at this point.  Bake at 350 for 45min-1hr depending on your oven.  Just check it and see if the corners are getting brown.  You will be able to tell when it's done.  Don't overcook it though or it will be dry.

It is no joke, the best dressing ever..and comes out perfect every single time.  Hope you enjoy it.  If you make it, please share a  note so I can tell my Grandmother you made her dressing, she'll be "just thrilled to hear" . 

Love y 'all. 

Happy Thanksgiving

Holly

P.S.  Here is your shopping list:

12 pieces of chicken

15 chicken bullion cubes

2 packages STOVETOP CHICKEN STUFFING- MUST BE THE CHICKEN KIND

3 cups of ONIONS

3 CUPS OF CELERY

11 EGGS

Pam

Martha White Buttermilk Cornbread Mix

Milk

Cooking Oil

***SHE SAID TO ADD A LOT OF BLACK PEPPER.  How much is that?  I do NOT KNOW.  LOL.  However much you can stand...

***SHE ALSO SAID THAT INSTEAD OF MAKING YOUR OWN BROTH...YOU CAN USE ABOUT 10 CUPS OF SWANSON BROTH. 

***SHE ALSO SAID DO NOT...REPEAT DO NOT get the Cornbread stuffing...make sure it is CHICKEN STOVETOP or it "won't be fit to eat" ". 

Love y'all- Happy Holidays!

-Holly

Polishing the Silver

POLISHING THE SILVER

My favorite thing about the holidays is polishing silver.  Not because I'm a cleanie, mind you, because my friends will assure you that I certainly am not an ocd cleaner.  However, I do love the accomplished feeling that I get when I know that the silver is sparkling, and I can see my own reflection in it.  There is something about the anticipation of a holiday or special event that makes me all giddy knowing that the china and silver are ready for the table.  

When I was a little girl, Willie Fred, my family's housekeeper- let's just say Nanny, because she wasn't much of a housekeeper- would trick me into helping her polish the silver.  She hated that job more than any other chore in the house.  I would beg her to let me help, and she'd say "Chile, polishing silvah ain't no job for no little chile to be doing, you gotta know whatchoo doing, cause Miss Holley-she hard to please."  I would beg and beg, and just like Tom Sawyer and his fence painting, she would let me help her polish.  I can close my eyes and see Willie's gold tooth sparkle as she smiled watching me polish every single fork, knife, and spoon.  And the trays, don't forget the trays!

 I felt so grown and full of purpose when I would climb up on the kitchen stool to reach the sink with the gooey, pink Wright's silver polish oozing out of the sponge that made my fingers chalky and nasty.  I loved putting the knives and forks down into the warm water to reveal the untarnished silver and how the weight of it felt in my hand.  I would dry and polish it with a soft cloth and put it on the table.  Proud, I was so proud.  I knew that one day, that silver would be on my table and I imagined the dinner parties I would have and the gowns I might wear. I watched a lot of soap operas as a child.

 My Grandmother's pattern is Strasbourg, my Mother's pattern is Strasbourg, and my pattern is Strasbourg.  I married a man whose Mother's pattern is Strasbourg, as was his Grandmother's.  I am probably the only one out of all of us who thinks about how that pattern connects us all.  No matter which table is set before us, the Strasbourg is there- a reminder of holidays, special occasions from the past, and loved ones who have passed on to their reward.

 And just like our crazy drunk relatives that only come around during the holidays, our silver has been a constant. Some pieces might be missing, bent or dirty, but silver cleaning was and is always a reminder to me that no matter how nasty things can get- or how dirty the situation- a sponge, some love, and a little elbow grease can make everything brand new again. 

  Families are messy and dirty, especially around the holidays.  For some reason, holidays bring out the best and the worst in all of us. Like a tarnished place setting of Strasbourg, we can be guaranteed that if we do a little  hard work and look for the sparkle, we might find the comfort that only an old fork or an old friend can provide.  I hope your holiday baking and entertaining will be lovely this year.  Love y'all,

Holly

10 Things My 87 Year Old Grandmother Might Tell The Donald

10 Things My 87 Year Old Grandmother Might Tell The Donald (that he needs to hear)...

It sounded like a freight train!

1.  Being rich doesn't necessarily make you smart, it just means you got lucky and have surrounded yourself with other smart people.  It probably didn't help that your Dad loaned you a few million to get rolling. All of that said, I respect your work ethic and what you have accomplished, but tell me what you know about Foreign policy without being a name-dropper.

2.  Son, no one is going to take you seriously until you do something with that hair.  It looks like a tornado got aholt of you.  Don't you know that looking good is 90% of everything? How can you run a beauty pageant and have hair like that?

3.  Having a trophy wife is difficult to overcome, I know, I was perceived to be one.  People are always judging you and her and they will be wondering if she is smart enough or elegant enough to be the first lady. She married you and your 10 billion, so she can't be too dumb. I'd vote for her for sure, you, I'm not sure about yet.

4.  Why do you look so mad all of the time?  Are you having problems with your bowels? Raisin Bran works wonders for me.  Are you just always angry?  You look angry.  They make a pill for seniors that you can take a night to help you sleep, it might be just the ticket.

5.  You can never win a fight with someone who won't shut up- take Megyn Kelly for example. She can rail on you all day long, so just shut your mouth about it and she won't have more negative things to say about you or her cycle.  If you don't have a period or have never had one, you have no business commenting on menstrual cycles or reproductive issues. 

6.  I noticed that when they asked all of the other candidates about their faith that you weren't asked to comment.  I read up that you are Presbyterian, they are nice folks.  You should talk more about your faith if you want the Southern vote.  And, you have a Jewish daughter, that's wonderful.  The nicest boss I ever had was an old Jewish man, he and his family were always very kind to me.

7.  Instead of campaign messages that last 60 seconds, why don't you just run a picture of your daughter opposed to Hillary's daughter for 10 seconds.  No one wants to look at poor little Chelsea for four more years.  Your kids are beautiful, use them to your advantage.

8.  Be nice, just be nice.  Bragging on your wealth, and your achievements is redundant.  We all know how successful you've become, don't tell us again.  Tell us how you plan to fix this messed up hell hole of a country we are living in and how you are going to get our boys out of harms' way from places we shouldn't be in to begin with.

9.  Tell me what you are going to do when you get to Washington and get the Jimmy Carter treatment because no one likes you.

10.  The job you are applying for affects a lot of lives.  Make sure that you have your heart right and that you are doing this for the right reasons- that you are humble and sincere.  That's what people want to see along with strength- humble sincerity.  If you need a new campaign manager, I've still got some zip left in my step and I have seen every episode of Bonanza at least fifteen times, so I could be available and I might have a few strategies of how to invade a ranch or two if needed.

Somehow, I have lost a year...

How has this year just disappeared?

This time last year I was helping my daughter plan to elope to New York City, line up a Junior's Cheesecake for their wedding cake in Brooklyn, and I was booking Broadway and Yankees tickets, all while virtual shopping with her via cell phone for wedding dresses. Through some of my beautiful friends, I  found a photographer friend to meet them at City Hall to take their pictures on the Brooklyn Bridge.  Meanwhile, my husband and I were in the middle of a move from Orlando to Richmond. Whew!

That made me tired writing it, no wonder I haven't blogged in such a long time.

Shortly thereafter, we welcomed the tiniest new member of our family, Miss Mallie, into our family and I became the Yaya/ mother-in-law in residence for about two weeks.  I look back on that time with my daughter and granddaughter and am forever thankful that I had the opportunity to go be with them and rock that sweet, precious, newborn girl as well loving on my Henley Boo.

Shortly after we moved to Richmond, my husband's part of the project he was working on was cancelled.  Within two months, I had planned a wedding in NYC, Christmas, moved us from Orlando to Richmond and then from Richmond back to our home in Birmingham.  It was a hell of a year!  I got to Birmingham and hit the ground running with a new job designing kitchens while my husband's industry took a turn for the worst. He once again was sent to Kentucky for two months and then that project was delayed. It has been a difficult year for him.

I have landed at an incredible company, where I work with people that I feel like I have known my entire life.  I love each one of them like family- I truly do.  I am very grateful and thankful for the opportunities that have presented themselves to me this year, but they have kept me very busy.  I am doing everything I ever wanted to do in the design field, and know that this was a Divine placement because I saw three cardinals the first day I began there- God's sign to let me know everything is going to be okay.

Since we've been home, we've reclaimed bricks from a demo site, we've torn down our back yard, and are in the process of finishing our masterpiece designed by the incredible Rebecca Kinney, landscape designer.   Hopefully soon, we will be having a backyard warming where we will literally have a fire to warm up the yard and have some fun with our friends and neighbors.

To say that I have been too busy to write is a cop-out.  Sometimes when things aren't going like we want, the last thing we want to do is share them with the world.  I just shut down; I quit writing.  I gave up on my dream for a while, because I didn't take the time for myself to do what I love.  I didn't go to Yale this summer for YWC, and I ended up working through the Archer Storytelling Conference, which I was invited to attend this year.  Hoping 2017 will give me an opportunity to re-visit some of these things.

The part of my brain that tells stories and blogs is like a muscle that hasn't been to the gym in a while. The anxiety of sitting in front of the computer right now is overwhelming, yet I know that I have to put something down on this screen- anything. Stella has got to get her groove back!  If you are reading this drivel, thank you.  I promise to bring more interesting content once I get over the fear of hitting publish on this blog post.

Love y'all,
Holly

Like a Dandelion blowing in the wind...

"The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in the wind." - Dylan

I have tons of friends who are military wives and I have always wondered how they maintain their composure, manage moving constantly, and end up raising well-adjusted children. 

 I am trying to adjust to this gypsy lifestyle that we are living, but it isn't easy.  I am thankful that my husband has a great job and that we have opportunities to travel and see things that a lot of people may never see. I am more thankful that our children are grown and on their own.  At the same time, I am exhausted.  I never know where I have toothpaste.  I can't tell you where my favorite bra is.  I have no idea where my winter clothes are or if I even have any left.  I may have taken them to Goodwill when we moved to Florida.  There are bags of unpacked clothes in my car that I live out of, and I'm almost afraid to take them out, not knowing where I may be tomorrow.

I feel like a Dandelion that has been blown into the wind and the different pieces of me are scattered all over the place.  I don't feel whole anymore and I don't feel like I have a home or a home base, even though I have two places to live.

When we end up in a new place, I don't want to make friends or get involved in a local church or other groups, because I know that I won't be there long.  Instead of looking at it as an adventure, it pisses me off and makes me so mad that this is our life. I question every decision that we've made up to this point and how stupid they all were.  It makes it very difficult to put down shallow roots, knowing that they are going to be yanked up and, like a dandelion,  my sanity is about to be blown all over the place.

I should be thankful and  embrace these changes with reckless abandon, but for a girl who never really had any roots or a stable place to call home, it is difficult to walk away from the only roots I have ever known.  I've had the same home and lived in the same community since 1998. Those of you who know me, know how much I hate the busy bodies in this neighborhood and how I feel like I live in a three story trailer, and how this house just basically is the worst floor plan in the history of the world.  But, it's home, and  it's the only home I've ever known.  I miss my friends.  I miss knowing what is going on in my city.  I am homesick.

My husband's job has him working 14-16 hour days, plus travel time, so I never see him.  It was really pointless to move all of our crap to an apartment where he is so that we could pass one another in the hall.  I'm lonely and sad - and that just isn't like me.

I have an interview for a job that I really don't want, just to be around other people so that I don't go slap crazy.  I feel like one of those commercials when they say "Do you feel helpless?  Do you feel hopeless?  Do you feel like you life has no meaning?"  Yes, but not because of depression, because of the stupid choices I have made in my life (which all seemed brilliant at the time)- and maybe that can be depressing if you think about it.  

My husband and I can't seem to get on the same page regarding where we want to live forever one day.  As cute as the place is that I have fixed for us in Virginia- and I love it there, I really do- I could just sleep my life away right here in Birmingham eating snickers bars and watching old movies, while feeling sorry for myself.  I need to be finishing my manuscript and not totally blowing every chance that I have at selling my books- and right now, I don't even care.  I just want to sleep for a week with the air on 56 degrees under a pile of blankets.

Today is  new day.  I'm going to color my roots, see if I can find some makeup, because I lost mine in the move.  I'm going to haul off things that I am sick of looking at here, and head to Richmond for a job interview and hope for the best.  Then, in a week, I will board a plane on a one-way flight to Pensacola to welcome my new Granddaughter into this world. I hope and pray and believe that she will be healthy and will like to snuggle, because I need some sweet baby sugar!

Love y'all,

Holly

Redefining our Paradigms

The Dream, Pablo Picasso 1932


Lately, I have felt like the lady in this Picasso painting- half dressed, boob hanging out, maybe napping, arms disproportionately large in relation to the rest of her body. Crazy outfit.  Most days, I've felt like my head was splitting open and like my brain is numb and not working, which leads me to the question:

How do we redefine the paradigms of our lives?

par·a·digm

ˈperəˌdīm/

noun

1. 1.

   technical

   a typical example or pattern of something; a model.

   "there is a new paradigm for public art in this country"

   synonyms:

   model, pattern, example, exemplar, template, standard, prototype,archetype "why should your sets of values be the paradigm for the rest of us?"

How do we respond when our paradigms are redefined for us by someone else? Without our permission? Against our will?  What do we do when people walk out of our lives unexpectedly or we have to walk out of theirs because we can no longer tolerate their behaviour and it changes the course of the life we had planned?  

Lately, I have been facing these issues in my own life. Someone whom I love dearly has made choices that I disagree with - to the point that I spent almost a year heartbroken over those choices knowing that there was nothing that I could do to change her mind.  I grieve for her choices, and selfishly, I grieve for my own loss because I am no longer a part of her life and the traditions that we worked to create together.  I am fairly liberal, but there are some places I draw the line.

This person was part of my paradigm, my template for my life, why I woke up many mornings and worked so hard. She defined who I am in so many ways- good and bad- my failures as a human being, a member of the human family, and my own family.  I have questioned my own behaviour as well as hers, and have come to terms that there are certain things in life that I don't have to accept and that no one can legislate my feelings.  However, all choices come with costs.  My cost has been my disconnection with someone I love more than anything in the world, and a change in how the rest of my life will be different than I imagined.  Some days I feel like I have lost a limb, or like part of my soul is missing. My heart, is shattered.

That doesn't mean that I don't wish her happiness, because I do.  I hope she finds her life's joy and is fulfilled and her dreams come true.  However, wishing her love and success doesn't mean that I have to be a part of those dreams if they go against the basic zeniths of my core beliefs. I don't have to condone her decisions or participate in them and continue to be abused in order to love her.  I've had enough abuse in my life and I have had to draw a line to protect my own sanity.  If you have to constantly bow down to someone and constantly give without receiving anything in return, that isn't love- as a matter of fact, it is the furthest thing from love.

I'm redefining my life.  My holidays are different now, and they will be forever more.  I take each day at a time, and instead of looking at what I have lost, I am trying to focus on my many blessings and the family that I have chosen and that has chosen me.

I've had friends have husbands leave them unexpectedly, without any idea it was going to happen. So many of my friends had to redefine their careers after 2008, and our veterans come home every day to a new world that they never imagined having to live in- some without sight, hearing, or limbs.

We all have struggles and everyone has a crossroads where we have to shift our paradigms.  I hope that when you hit that place in life, whatever your paradigm shift may be, and there will be at least one in your life if you live long enough, that you are surrounded with people who love and support you.  I hope that you have friend you can call when you bawl your eyes out at two in the morning.  I have those kind of friends and I am blessed beyond measure.

I have had to learn a lot of lessons in Faith and this is part of my journey.  I've had to learn that I can't control other people or their actions and that I can only be responsible for myself.  I am not the caretaker to the world.  Grown people make their own choices and they have to live with the consequences of those actions- all of us do.

I am having to put my trust in a higher power (for me that is God) to work out things that are beyond my control and to watch over the people I love when I cannot be there to protect them.  Every day, I pray a little more. Every day,  I find more peace and I heap blessings upon the person I've lost.

Wishing you faith and love on your journey.

Love y'all,
Holly