Problems That Only Big Boobed Girls Have

August 8, 2014

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When I hear women talk about getting breast implants, I just shake my head.  I don't get it.  I will never get it if I live to be a hundred years old!  I've had boobs since I was eleven.  When my Grandmother and I went to Hawaii, shortly before I turned thirteen, I was asked if I was there for the executive secretaries' convention. It has pretty much been downhill ever since, other than my junior prom when all of my guy friends actually realized that I was a girl.

Don't get me wrong, there have been  a few times that big boobs have had their advantages, like job interviews in my twenties, and well, job interviews.  Here are some big boob problems to consider before going under the knife to buy yourself some problems.

1.  No matter what I wear, I look like I weigh thirty pounds more than I do because unless I wear something clingy, I look like a box.

2.  If I do wear something clingy, I look like I'm preparing to audition for the role of Roger Rabbit's girlfriend.

3.  I don't go around asking men if their lower backs hurt from carrying around those gigantic beer guts, I wish they would stop asking me if my back hurts from carrying around my breasts.  And yes, for the record, my back does hurt sometimes.

4.  At least once a week a stranger asks me "Have you ever considered having breast reduction surgery?"  Of course I have.  But, have you seen the scars?  And do you realize that it is a major surgery and that you could die?  Not sure that I'm that vain, if I were, I'd be a lot thinner.  And, I'm a chicken- a BIG OLE CHICKEN!

5.  Doesn't it hurt to run with those things?  Yes, it does.  Not running is part of how I gained the weight that I am fighting presently.  It does hurt to run, but if you don't, they WILL get bigger.  It is a slippery slope. RUN through the pain and give up everything that you love to eat, and they MIGHT shrink a little.

6.  There are no bathing suits available over the counter.  You practically have to have a prescription for a bathing suit that fits.  AND, if it fits your gigantic boobs, chances are the bottom won't work in a one piece. Hellooooo weird looking two piece bathing suits that aren't bikinis.

7.  You can never get sassy matching bras and panties like you could when you were a 36C (high school)- throw that dream out the window!  Well, you can, but never on clearance or on can pay $150 for a matching set and even then, you have to order them online or from a specialty store. So basically what  I am saying,  is that the opening scene from Devil Wears Prada, won't be happening for big boobed girls unless you have a trust fund or an underwear sponsor.

8.  Everything that I eat, eventually ends up landing on the shelf that is my chest.  I can never cheat on my diet without my husband knowing, because I am usually wearing my lunch.  Clumsy + big boobs= wardrobe disasters.

9.  No, I'm not "advertising my goodies", I'm just wearing a shirt.  It just so happens that have ridiculous cleavage in everything I wear.  I'm not any more excited about it than you are, but sometimes it's hot and a girl wants to wear a v-neck t-shirt.

10.  Do you have grooves in your shoulders from carrying around those huge boobies? What do you think?

11.  I would never go up to a strange man and ask him about the size of his parts, but for some reason, men, whom I have never met in my life, feel that it is completely appropriate to approach me and ask "So, what size bra do you wear?" Unless you are considering purchasing a $100 over the shoulder, boulder holder, it is really none of your concern- leave that to the expert, my fitting specialist.

12.  Women with large breasts aren't "easy"; they aren't any more sexual than women with small breasts.  As a matter of fact, most of the larger breasted women that I know are more self- conscious about their bodies than our skinny, flat-chested counterparts, who seem to pull off any outfit with the ease of a super model.

13.  No, I never worked at Hooter's in college and no, I don't consider that an opportunity missed.

14.  There isn't a strapless bra made that will hold up boobs that are over 36C- I don't care what anyone says, those bras don't work and you end up with boobs everywhere- or they can morph into what I call a uniboobie.  They can also look like four boobs once the bra begins to slide.

15.  I've would never go up to someone and much does your jello arm weigh?  Or how much do you think that gut weighs? So, I don't know why people say to me "How much do you think they weigh?"  More than your brain, I am quite sure.

16.  Jewelry is limited to a choker or a necklace that is higher than the cleavage line.  Otherwise, you end up with pendants swooshing around and hypnotizing every person that you meet over the course of a day.  This could be used to your advantage if you swing the necklace back and forth in front of your boss and say "You're giving me a're giving me a raise..."

So...before you consider going under the knife to look like Pamela Anderson, think about it.  There's a lot more to the big boobies than just having big boobies.

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