I can't imagine Christ trusting his Father enough to go to the cross. I wouldn't trust mine to go to the store to bring back a gallon of milk. And my mother, was a long way from being the Virgin Mary or anything near that description. The concept of God the Father, has escaped me for most of my life, because for the most part, other than my Grandfather, I didn't have a father in my life. One absentee sperm donor, and two step-fathers torn by their own families (who were both very good to me), just weren't the same as the connection that I see my friends have with their own biological fathers who love them unconditionally. I loved my Grandfather dearly and he was my best friend, but was not fair and he was weak; although his love for me was unconditional, his distribution of his love and wealth were both cruel, neglectful and disproportionate.
I have often wondered "If God and His angels determine the families that we are born to, why I was born to this one?" I think of how God asked his son to sacrifice himself for all mankind- and I can imagine my mother doing that- so that makes sense. Still, it all seems a little selfish to me and I'm not sure that I'm down for that program- probably why I left the fundamentalist protestant church a long time ago.
I am much more inclined to believe that God is more like Andy Griffith. I imagine God to be the kind of father who lets us learn our lessons the hard way, punishes us for our transgressions, allows us to separate from Him when we go against His laws -even though that is difficult for
Him, and He ultimately loves us no matter what. Sometimes I think of how He grieves when we allow our own selfishness to separate us from His love, just as we often grieve as parents when our own children separate themselves from us through their choices. God still loves us, just like we love our children, and His heart must be broken when we make decisions that hurt Him.
God's distribution of love and wealth still seem as disproportionate to me as my Grandfather's did, and I wonder why on a daily basis.
I wonder how many generations back are the sins of the Father being visited upon the child? I wonder how many generations back on either side of my family that I would have to go to find a set of parents who truly loved all of their children equally,treated them fairly-with love, respect and compassion. Does that exist in ANY family?
Maybe God sends us to imperfect parents to perfect our own souls and make us better people? Maybe He isn't as perfect as we would like to believe or He could have come up with a better system than sacrificing His own son for this fallen world? Maybe Jesus being human, just like us, was part of His journey- and He (Jesus) made the choices that led Him to the cross? It is possible that God allowed it to happen because He is a good Father and didn't want to make Jesus' decisions for Him? Regardless of all of the doubt and questions that I have, I do know that God's all I've got in a Father in this world and the hereafter.
I think of the times when I needed help and a miracle and like my grandfather, God was there for me. His gifts might have seemed disproportionate to me as I look around and see others enjoying lives of privilege and ease with a true birthright, but God still was there to listen and I felt His comforting presence as my soul became still and full of peace. He is the only one who knows the inner depths of my soul- every last secret and and detail of my life. He has never made me feel like that He isn't listening, because I can feel His Spirit. Perhaps that's about as good as it is going to get?
God may have been more inspirational to the Rolling Stones than we know because "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime...you just might find...you get what you need."
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